For the last few days I have been feeling very low. After the highs of making another (for me) substantial repayment on my debt, I am left feeling very down looking at the bank balance.
This is the reality of paying off debt, you have no money. I always knew it was going to be very tight this month, but here I am a few days in and I feel depressed on what I have got to live for the next three and a bit weeks.
I am actually feeling depressed at the thought of what I have to live on this year to make me debt free by December. I have had to accept the reality that unless something drastic happens at work over the next few weeks and months, commission is going to be thin on the ground for the foreseeable future.
I can live with the thought of gruel and dry bread (ok I exaggerate for comic effect) but what i hate, i mean what I absolutely LOATHE is the fact that I cannot treat someone that I really care about. You see I want to buy a present, and I do not have the money to do it without raiding the savings. I have a dilemma and have about a week to make a decision on whether to go ahead and buy this gift or not. I will let you know what I decide.
I also have had to accept that a holiday is not in my immediate plans either. Every year I like to take advantage of a beautiful and free apartment in Spain. But, for the time being at least I cannot afford to go, again unless I raid savings or this damn recession decide to bugger off once and for all. Even a free apartment costs - flights, car hire and spending money. All of which I do not have.
I accept responsibility that I have got myself into this situation, but damn it sometimes it just plain depressing.
Not having a holiday or buying a gift will not injure me, i have food and I have savings, plus a roof over my head. More than about 80% of the world's population. I know I am lucky. But, this does not today stop me from feeling low about my situation and lack of funds.
I am keeping to the challenge of only spending £5 this week, and currently have £1.61 left to last 48 hrs. Achievable. But, this is not fun.
I also have managed two evenings without the heating on. Probably adding to my emotional downer.
I will not loose, and I will pay this money off and live simpler, but today..... now...... it is just bloody depressing.